The Food-Service-Decor Matrix or How to Review a Restaurant

     First, let me get the shilling out of the way. Today, my first article in a series was published by ecoRI.org, a RI based environmental news site. Big ups to Frank Carini ,editor in chief, and all around "queso grande" at ecoRI, for giving an untrained, untested, previously unpublished writer a chance. Today's story is pretty straightforward, but I assure you that subsequent stories will have my signature snarkiness. Here's a link to the website ecoRI.org. The headline is, "Recyclable Waste from Small Restaurants Flows Unchecked into the State Landfill."
     Now onto today's subject. The question you should ask yourself after a meal out is, "Will I make it a point to eat here again?" Not, "Am I full?"," Did I get my money's worth?", or, "Am I sick?" There are three things you should take into consideration when assessing a dining out experience, the food, the service, and the decor.
     The food can be judged on two factors, flavor and value. Remember, value only goes so far. Food that is inexpensive but tastes like shit, or makes you sick is not a value purchase. Alternately, food that is expensive, but leaves you flat in the flavor department is no good either. Restaurants walk a fine line when it comes to what they charge for what they serve. I would certainly rather pay a little more for an abundance of flavor, but the general rule is the lower the price, the greater the value, unless the food could substitute as fertilizer. Here's the bottom line. IF THE FOOD SUCKS, THE RESTAURANT SUCKS! Great service and a beautiful decor cannot save lousy or uninspired food.
     Now, onto service. We've all eaten out. We've all had great service. We've all had shoddy service. Assuming the majority of you can tell the difference, I digress. Once again, the bottom line. IF THE SERVICE SUCKS, THE RESTAURANT SUCKS. The best food is only the best if it is served in a timely, and pleasant, manner.
      Great decor sets the bar pretty high for all newcomers to any eating establishment. Beautiful appointment of the space makes one expect beautiful food and service. Decor is the only area of assessment that, when sub- par, won't automatically preclude me from subsequent visits, but they have to hit it out of the park on the food and service. Lousy decor falls into three categories: old, grungy, and uninspired, or some combination thereof. We've all been to restaurants where the decor is right off of Mike Brady's drafting table. (If you are laughing at that, your age is showing!) Lots of greens and browns. Maybe some angled pine wainscoting. The kind of place where the first dollar they made is hanging on the wall, and it was minted in Confederate States of America. Check out Lil and Gene's Family Restaurant in Manville, RI for an example. Grungy looking places sometimes have the best tasting food. Haven Bros. is a good example. It doesn't look great, or particularly clean, but at 2 AM, after several beers, worth every penny! A lot of smaller asian and latin restaurants suffer from uninspired decor. You know, the kind with paper tablecloths and stackable banquet chairs. Luckily, most of these places take the food and service pretty seriously. Go to Apsara palce on Hope St., or El Rancho Grande on the corner of Pocasset and Plainfield on opposite ends of Providence, to see what I mean. All four restaurants that I've mentioned are worth a trip.
  
     In conclusion, if the food sucks, it doesn't matter if the service and decor are great, the restaurant sucks. No one is returning until there is an "Under new ownership/ management" sign out front.
     If the service sucks, even great food and decor can't save you, the restaurant sucks. People may return, but not for a year or maybe more.
     If the decor is old, grungy, or uninspired, but the food is delicious/ inexpensive, and the service is good, this is a "find", and most people will return.

    Here's to career changes in one's mid- thirties!

    Love, Peace, and Bacon grease!

Two International Crisises: The Business Is Broken, and So Is the Food

                These two things don’t have much in common, one is an economic crisis, and the other is an environmental and human rights issue, but nonetheless, they are both key to the survival of our nation as a whole, the overall wellness of the planet, and the right of all men to be free.

        
            The first, most pressing issue we face in these challenging economic times is outsourcing and the domestic hiring of illegal labor. But aren’t they really the same thing? They are a way for companies to pay lower wages to people, and in most cases, forego the business of paying payroll taxes in the States. This is loss of State, Federal, and sometimes, as is the case in Rhode Island, local tax revenue.

The “agreed upon” number of illegal immigrants in this country is about 12 million, but some estimates put that number at nearly 20 million! Now, we can’t assume that they are all working in these tough economic times, nor can we assume that they all don’t pay taxes. There are plenty of illegal immigrants in this country with real enough looking documentation to get a job on the payroll. So let’s just use half. That’s 10 million by the largest estimate. We’re rounding up.

If each of those 10 million paid $100 per week in payroll taxes, that’s a BILLION DOLLARS A WEEK in taxes spread across the local, state, and federal levels. The cost of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq approaches $1 trillion (That’s NINE zeros, folks! Write it down. It even looks big.) That’s just over $100 billion a year. We could cut that number by half with the FIFTY- TWO BILLION DOLLARS A YEAR we would get from taxing 10 million more people! (I changed the math in this statement the day after posting it. I was off by a multiple of ten!)  Not to mention, the windfall to Social Security and Medicare! I know of a couple of restaurants where a full third of the workforce is “under the table”!

The issue of illegal workers in the United States is a double whammy, because many immigrants in this country support families in other countries. They send money out of the country, by check, money order, or wireless transfer. I knew a Senegalese gentleman who sent as much as sixty percent of his pay out of the country! This permanently removes money from our economy.

Some may think that this is a veiled racist thing, but it’s not. I don’t want illegal immigrants of any color.  Canadian? Take off, eh! Irish? Erin go home! Japanese? Tachisaru mai kuni! The real problem is the employers who don’t think twice about hiring illegal labor. I wonder how it feels to fuck every American at once.

The second problem affects the entire food industry, and the way we’ve eaten and survived for thousands of years. Genetically modified foods are the number one reason to be scared shitless in America.

RestauRAVE!

     Howdy everyone. Today I'm beginning a new feature called the "RestauRAVE!" You know, like restauRANT! Corny? Yes! Will I continue? Yes! I love a good pun/ play on words!

     Today's "Restaurave!" is for a little diner on 29 Winter St Manville, RI called Lil and Gene's Family Restaurant.
(401) 765-2270

     My mom has sworn by this place for breakfast for years, and we went there today for breakfast. First, this place is a throwback. The sign outside has to be from the 40's- 50's.
     It's a tiny neighborhood diner that is on the first floor of a three story building. The kind of place that every neighborhood used to have, but very few exist today. A place where people would gather and talk about local politics, and sports, and their daughter's wedding, and their father's passing. A place where friends and neighbors rally around you when you're unfortunate, and gives you the opportunity to rally for them when the time comes.The kind of place you go to and know you are not alone.
     They serve up good home cooking for very short dough. I had two eggs perfectly cooked, toast, homefries that didn't suck, two sausage patties that had to be three inches across, two banana pancakes and coffee for $8.50. I'd love to post a link, but like I said, this place is an anachronism.
     They're open Tuesday to Sunday for lunch until one p.m., and Friday nights till seven. Enjoy!